The Siderial Daily Mentioner

"It's the End of the World!" Says Soothsayer, Again

2009-09-13T16:00:00.003+01:00

TORTUNA, WESTFELL MAJOR ALPHA, WESTFELL. Respected and renowned Soothsayer K. M. Hariskq from the Westfell Constellation on the Outer Southern Rim has once again reported that the world is about to end. However, this news has not been well received by citizens in the Greater Westfell Constellation, as Hariskq does not actually reside on any particular planet, but lives in his spaceship stuck in geostationary orbit within the Inner Satellite Belt, containing the systems array of many consumer satellites, supplying 4D vid channels across the sector. Therefore, his doomed predictions have caused major panics on several planets throughout the constellation, as Hariskq failed to mention which individual world was about to end. Recent attempts to make contact with Hariskq have been met with failure, as it seems that his spaceship's external communications systems were badly damaged by a collision with a Westfell News Network Satellite, and he has a phobia of telephones. "It's utter chaos!" said President Honwark Rimaei, leader of the Peterengo civilisation of Westfell Major Alpha. "Why didn't the old fool specify which planet is going to meet an untimely demise? His predictions have had serious reprecussions for the entire economy, not just on Westfell Major Alpha, but as far afield as Minor Zeta." Others have viewed Hariskq's doomongering as just warmongering, whilst some have booked flights out of Westfell altogether.

Hariskq's warnings are always taken seriously across the Westfell Constellation, because of the good record he has had for correct predictions. "He visited me once," said one resident of Westfell Major Theta, "and told me I was going to lose a lot of money the next day. And would you know it, when he left the following day, I discovered my life's savings had been stolen from the safe inside my office. I always bank of Hariskq now." Sometimes known for his varied and dramatic personal life, Hariskq is friends with many of the intergalactically famous, including Eccentrica Gallumbits, Hotblack Desiato and disgraced former President of the Galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox. He has had a number of meetings with brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt, although all upon inquiring upon Halfrunt for comment, all he said was; "Vell look, Hariskq's just zis guy, you know?" Although not confirmed, it is suspected that Hariskq may issue another doomladen statement some time in the next week, due to his normal prophecies coming in groups of three. "If he does give another warning, I just hope he makes it more specific this time," concluded President Rimaei, before going on to his afternoon Ultragolf tournament. The Mentioner believes that these reports may be part of a complex publicity stunt, aimed at selling the Soothsayer's new novel, "The Mind that Broke the Stars".

Ramblings Concerning Kant

2009-05-28T22:50:00.002+01:00

Reader's Note: This was written as part of a series of notes by the famed Galactic Philosopher, J.C.C. Carter. If the style jumps from one topic to another, or sentences don't connect properly, it's because they are works in progress, with Carter writing extremely fast, and thinking of everything he could throw in. It is included in the Mentioner as part of our series of Popular Philsophical Teachings.

First off, forget everything you thought you knew about the giant that is Kant. Yes, he seemed to live an extremely dull life (he rarely left Königsberg), and yes, he is certainly one of the greatest philosophers ever to have lived. But beyond that, we really have to start from scratch. To truly see an appreciation of Kant, you have to look beyond his writings, and see exactly what he was trying to get across. People are often flummoxed by how indescribably boring it is to attempt to wade through Kant's works, and this means they give up before getting to the crux of the matter. In this posting, I shall be discussing Kant's master work, the "Critique of Pure Reason". When it was first released in 1781, so few people read it that Kant had to release an abridged version in the form of the "Prolegomena to Any Future Metaphysics" in 1783. When it was finally revised into its second edition in 1787, it began to gain critical appreciation and was discussed widely in philosophical circles. Even today, many philosophers still disagree over the finer details of much of the book. Within the Critique, Kant wished to address several questions. First, he wanted to assess precisely what Metaphysics was, the problems surrounding metaphysical interpretations, and offer his proposed solution to these issues. He also wanted to give a new ethical theory which could be used in conjunction with this solution.

"Breaking into Kant," as Geoffrey Warnock said "shouldn't be done in a too technical way." Kant was concerned with the conflict between the findings of science, and that of our religious and social lives. The laws of Newtonian physics seem to indicate that the motions of all matter are governed universally, but we as people seem to think that we have free will nonetheless. George Berkeley had explored this problem, as had Leibniz (maker of fine biscuits), but he thought that their solutions were inadequate. He viewed them as wishing to downgrade the importance of the sciences, something which Kant could not allow. Philosophy as a whole was chaotic, and because of the works of David Hume, he was even more confused about the entire purpose of Philosophy. There was also the division of analytic and synthetic propositions. If something is analytically true, it is true by definition; i.e. all bachelors are unmarried. However, synthetic propositions give genuine meaning by examining the world and showing that experience is necessary. Kant thought that synthetic principles were contingent, and needed other facts to support them. Analytic principles are non-contingent. The world must contain synthetic principles, some of them must be a priori.

A Message Recieved From Mars, Remarkable Story From Woking

2009-03-21T23:22:00.004Z

The following story was printed on page 4 in the Earth newspaper, The National Enquirer, on 21st March 1909. It is reproduced here as part of the Mentioner's continuing series of old reports on stellar activity from uncivilised or uninformed planets.

HORSELL COMMON, WOKING, ENGLAND. A splendidly remarkable sight greeted residents of Woking and Ottershaw yesterday, when a supposed ‘shooting star’ fell on the nearby Horsell Common, creating a deep pit some hundred feet wide. Nearby observers report the object was seen flying in the early morning over Winchester, leaving a bright, green coloured streak in the sky. People in Surrey and Middlesex also reported observing the object at various locations throughout the preceding evening. According to Alexander Denning, an apparent local authority on meteors and other interstellar objects, it was located at a height of approximately one hundred miles high in the stratosphere, and recorded that it fell almost a hundred miles east of Dover. Local astronomer Franz Ogilvy presently examined the object found on the Common, and concluded that it was not a fallen star, but rather a curious metal cylinder of unknown origin. Upon closer inspection, it was at first surmised that a man or unknown lifeform was initially trapped inside the cylinder, as various sounds were heard and the top began to slowly unscrew itself. However, the metal was too hot to come into contact with, making rescue impossible.

Our journalist, Garth Henderson, was presently on the scene, and interviewed the assembled people who had initially encountered the object. It was decided that whatever being was encased in the cylinder was either insensible or deceased, since tapping with a nearby stick presented no identifiable sound of response, and the unscrewing had presently ceased. Our news team have been able to ascertain that the object most likely originated from the planet Mars, linking it to the usual volcanic activity that was recorded amongst the respectable papers over the past few days. This morning, our team of reporters was similarly dispatched to Horsell Common, where they last noticed renewed signs that the cylinder was continuing to unscrew. However, astronomer Ogilvy was very sceptical about the chances of extra-terrestrial life, stating the undeniable fact that; "the chances of anything man-like on Mars are a million-to-one".

Never in the good and noble name of his Majesty the King has ever anything so truly splendid been witnessed by the human eye. We should feel highly honoured that if there are new visitors of an alien origin, that they did deign to grant their visit upon British soil, and within the vicinity of the gleaming metropolis of London. No doubt a diplomatic envoy should be dispatched presently with an official delegation, welcoming the visitors to our planet, and our noble country. And whilst they may have unsightly visages or facial blemishes which displease or frighten the fragile sensibilities of women, we must greet them with the common respect and decent courtesy which they undoubtedly deserve.

How to Backstab Your Way into Positions of Power

2009-02-17T23:35:00.005Z

This is a selected excerpt from a new self-help book entitled "How to Backstab Your Way into Positions of Power" by Professor Dr. Joseph P. Koppelson, D.Litt, Ph.D, D.D., D.F.A., now available at all good Galactic bookstores.

Congratulations! You have just taken the first step towards lathering your way up the greasy pole. This is the indispensable guide to worming your way through the horrible minefield of corporate nightmares, workplace woes and exclusive pursuits. This guide is designed to do one thing; demonstrate how to attain positions of power within your company/organisation/recreational group/political party. Be aware that attaining power is not a one-stop path to glory. You will only achieve it through a combination of hard work, callous nature and through sheer force of will. In our first installment, I will give an overview of the main ways you can hope to expand your power, and dominate your colleagues. It is important to remember that power is like sushi: it is a dish best served raw and beautifully presented. Those without power instinctively desire it, those with power instinctively desire more.

1. Be Nice: The main way to gain power is the assimilation of prestige, so that you are automatically promoted. Inside your group, make all other members feel at ease and enjoy your company. Buy rounds of drinks when you go to pubs and offer to pay bills at restaurants. You need not necessarily like your colleagues back; they will more than pay when you orchestrate the regime change. Take an active interest in all other members as well; this will be useful when you need to assess their weaknesses when you interrogate them.

2. Destabilise the Administration: If the current management is looking pretty secure, you need to act to bring it down, but without compromising your own position. You can do this through several paths; (i) digging up facts and evidence against the management, (ii) instituting a scandal or (iii) eliminating them. Path (iii) is the most terminal, though it also has the most difficulties, and could lead to serious criminal prosecutions. The easiest path to take is (i), although it will not be sufficient if the management is whiter than white.

3. Keep Your Enemies Close: If you feel that someone else within your organisation is vying for power which you are seeking, you must keep track of their activities. If possible, try to insinuate yourself into their daily routine. This is necessary since you will eventually need to remove them, as they may compromise the general situation. Never let your guard down; remember that others may also have bought a copy of this guide.

4. Always have the phone number of a reliable freelance mercenary or sniper. You will be surprised how often it comes in handy.

Poetry Desk, First Edition

2009-02-01T22:50:00.006Z

A new recurring feature, our Poetry Editor, Edgar Anbright, presents some of his latest poetic ramblings. His complete works, including "The Qualvista Anthology 2" and "Anthology 3" ("Anthology 1" was sadly lost during the Great Disk Crash a few years ago) are available from all good Galatic bookstores.

Sunglass Visor
The Beetle in the outback,
Hiding in a haystack,
Examining the pharmacy,
From across the carriageway.

The Jaker took the feather,
Crossed over to the hideaway,
Flipping his sunglass visor,
Shot the boy, a dead giveaway.

Take your lead to the shelter,
In the morning the sky will cry,
A new day, a new mile on the road,
The sky is clearing on the ceiling.

Rejoice, for there is no choice.

***

1.24 AM
Sounding down the hall,
I fall against the wall.
Wild horses gallop past,
Making straight and fast,
For Oxford Circus, London,
Weighing a ton of bullion,
The Federal Reserve closes,
Alexander Hamilton looses.

The TV detaches contemporary fiction,
Explains the shocking state of the nation,
Bartender pours a gin and soda,
Secretary George adds a little vodka,
And Norman Mailer and Derek Taylor,
Playing Laurel and Hardy at the theatre.

As the world we knew collapsed,
We all stood willingly and watched.

***

Hamilton Drive
Nothing so much as anything
That stands at the traffic light
In the pouring rain, crying,
Before hailing a taxicab
And running for the windswept hills.

This Week's Films Reviews

2008-11-26T03:38:00.001Z

This week's featured releases, Galaticwide, are released by Infinitum Films, Protega Pictures Trans-International, Siderial Motion Pictures (in affiliation with The Siderial Daily Mentioner), KLWM Productions, Contrelengo Films and Quespla Studios. These films should be on general release by the beginning of next week at all good cinemas and picturehouse studios.

The Edge of Nature by Infinitum Films
A moving and provocative portrayal of life on the extremely inhospitable planet of Popelelia. Saraa and Kie are a couple barely surviving, struggling for tiny amounts of food and scavenging for valuables. This dramatic example of how difficult the survival of emotions and friends can be, and overall how the joys of modern society cannot overcome the laws of science. Good acting all round shows off the production. Be sure to look out for Director Dramasi Jip as the interesting looking bolder in the third act.

Boxtown Blues by Protega Pictures Trans-International
Documentary on the innovative series of Jazz jams last standarised-lunar rotation from the galaxy-renowned Jazz musician Truly Goodlovin'. Though the main thrust of the film is a look back of Goodlovin's torrid and hateful affair with Shirley Badwaters, there are some good stage shows part way through, and the ending leads to the dramatic Jimstown Jazz Festival where the stage was broken apart by a falling meteorite. Interesting, but can also be dull in places due to excessive length.

Contractular! by Siderial Motion Pictures
A giant spider menaces the city of Rantan in this certainly frightening film. Whilst the special effects can appear dated in certain, the main cast put in a fine performance, with definite praise going to Mirt Weapf as the Deputy Fire Officer 412/L. This one is almost certain to be a big crowd pleaser at the Box Office, partly because of the casting of teenage heartthrob Stuu Keena as the rebellious Randl Johns. Luckily, Randl's rebellious ways become his ultimate undoing, as he is devoured by a spider hatchling in the second act.

About This Wide by KLWM Productions
Strange avant-garde film from the directing-producing trio of Blim, Flim and Roberston. The film consists of a two hour lecture by Dr. Fpishing Ripfel, who talks about exactly how to measure the width of something accurately and discreetly. Although Ripfel attempts to make the discussions interesting by throwing in a joke here and there, in real life there was nobody left in the auditorium after fifteen minutes, and those managing to watch to the end of this feature will almost certainly be in a catatonic coma.

Tariq by Contrelengo Films
The story focuses on Tariq (we never learn his family name), a Trasian boy living on the streets of Mestinia City. This is a lovingly made and carefully shot film, giving each character their own feelings and thoughts to add appropriate background detail. Tariq's crush on the beautiful Zindy is made all the more painful when she tells him she is moving away with her father to Novogastra. Other directors would make this pitiful, but in the skillful hands of Postrw Itrm, the plot doesn't ever feel overstretched.

Sometimes Enough can be Too Much by Quespla Studios
With a mind-blowing soundtrack and highly visceral action scenes, Sometimes Enough is a journey to the far side of the universe and back. Bert Yutfraun is a galactic pioneer, determined to break through the infamous Kertzingburger Stellar Wall, which blocks travel through the quantumly stable Q-331 black hole. Upon ultimately succeeding, this imagining of what he would discover on the far side of the known universe is both creepy, innovative and dramatic. The feature is also available in full 4-D surround system in selected iInfinite cinemas.

Exclusive interview with Jentrell Ploffre

2008-11-01T02:39:00.006Z

Jentrell Ploffre, renowned artist, poet, award-winning writer and now convicted mass murderer, agreed to give the Mentioner an exclusive interview about his past from his cell block at the secure wing of the Cropern Memorial Mental Institute for the Clinically Insane on Baltoform II. Due to Ploffre's famed violent nature, our reporter Carol Smidgen spoke to him from behind a reinforced perspex window.

The mention of the name Jentrell Ploffre used to suggest refinement and sophistication. Once voted "Most Arty Guy in the South-East Quadrant" by readers of WhatLifeform? magazine, he was the toast of the upper classes, and was frequently invited to important state functions. His book "The Sea Cries for No Man" won the Rebitumin Award for Fiction, and his painting "Lifestyles in Grey, No. 4" was selected for the shortlist of potentials to enter the Coan Museum of Useless Art. The story then, of how he suddenly and brutally murdered over thirty guests at a party he was hosting last year has naturally become the stuff of legend. Why did he do it? Was there money involved? Did he pretend to do it for a bet? Or is he just plain crazy? I spoke to Ploffre, who has agreed to an exclusive interview with the Mentioner, for the first time since he was imprisoned.

Carol Smidgen: Thanks ever so much for agreeing to talk to us Mr. Ploffre. I can assure you that this is a great honour. I was an admirer of much of your work.

Jentrell Ploffre: Not at all, not at all, I was delighted to receive an invitation. Call me Jentrell dear lady, please. Let us dispense with the formalities and get right down to business. How much for all of it?

CS: I'm sorry? I don't understand.

JP: Oh, ha, hum, my apologies. I believe I must have mistaken you for somebody else, a mere hooker at the wings. Selling her cheap fecundates... My mind is recently to be found playing tricks upon me. I was commenting to Lord Howardford only yesterday...

CS: I believe Lord Howardford of Basterjet VII was one of the guests you murdered at your party last year. I very much doubt you were talking to him.

JP: Ah yes... Where was I? Oh, to the business of the interview. Madam, I can protest and molest myself in front of you for the duration of this altercation, but I must first confirm several facts with you. My name, is Jentrell J. Ploffre, KSMNMD (Knight Senior of the Most Noble Manner of Durst) after all. First, the murders are not what they seem.

CS: How so?

JP: It may in fact look as though I insanely murdered a good deal of fine people one evening whilst remarking to them about caviar from Arnfsyle I, below standard I know: but I can assure you my good woman that they did not die without having a splendidly good time of it. My derision over the Court of Justice in the acceptance of the plaintiff's case is most bewildering.

CS: Did you murder those people?

JP: Certainly! Why, the manservant saw me, for Bob's sake. He even managed to crawl to the police station with half a dessert fork embedded in his back. No mean feat I can tell you! I was surprised when the inspector came and found Lady Kirs Ull hanging from the ceiling fan, with guts protruding from the waist. I had intended to fry them before he arrived.

CS: Why did you kill those people Jentrell?

JP: My felicitous young thing, I can't remember a minor trifle such as that! The work of the artist is too great for the little things to be allowed to bog me down. NEVER SHALL THEY BE AVENGED! *At this point, Jentrell rose from his chair and hurled himself against the perspex window.*

CS: Please, calm down Mr. Ploffre! I shall call the steward!

JP: The steward! Oh yes, that'll do me some good! KILL YOURSELF IN A DECENT MANNER, why don't you? You have no idea about the complexity of nature. I pity your worthless brain. This conversation is over! I never want to hear from you or your family again! GET A SURGEON IN HERE, NO! Allow somebody to roast the body! My faucet drawings... *It was at this point that the interview came to a halt, as Jentrell Ploffre was sedated by hospital staff.*

Jentrell Ploffre's new memoirs, "My Life in a Cruel, Vindictive and Hateful World", are available now from all good galactic bookstores. The Siderial Daily Mentioner writes; "by the tone of voice you would expect this book to be written by a madman... and it is."

All is well in the Lightshade System

2008-09-06T15:23:00.012+01:00

DESK LIGHT, STANDING LAMP, LIGHTSHADE II. Good news for all Lightshadeans today, as the nuclear winter brought about almost 2.7 million years ago by the collapse of the neighbouring Jontok Star has finally ended. Citizens on all five planets in the system emerged from their homes/caves yesterday, and instead of being greeted by a mistily dark sky which had created a daily 29 hour night, it shone with a brilliant dark blue brightness that historians have been able to recall their ancestors documenting millions of years ago as being called "starlight". The large stellar dust cloud which was created by the collapse of the Jontok Star had encircled the Lightshade Star, creating a hazy and misty semi-darkness that never seemed to end. Crop production struggled to meet demand, and many centuries of violent and unpredictable weather ensued. The overall population in the system struggled to remain over 1 million, with wars, famine and drought severely effecting all life systems.

However, yesterday, after centuries of recession, there appeared the first signs that the Lightshade Cloud was dissipating. Bright streaks of light emanated from the cloud throughout the morning. By midday, a team from the local Astrophysical Institute had been dispatched from Lightshade I to examine the cloud. Their analysis revealed that the light and intense heat from the star had finally burnt through the previously impenetrable dust cloud, the density of which was dramatically falling each minute. By teatime, scientists predicted that by the beginning of darkrise tomorrow morning, the system should infact witness the first 'sunrise' in almost 3 million years. Upon seeing the sight this morning, a joyful atmosphere of celebration erupted, many proclaiming Sunlight Day to be an official public holiday. Immediately, the light from the star has had a beneficial on growing of many crops, and the business in the sector is enjoying a boom as a result. The Mayor of Casterlight on Lightshade IV stated that the entire system should be thankful for the day, and encouraged the planets to unify to become the Second Lightshadean Republic. A conference discussing the details of this plan is scheduled next week.

Postscript: OBITUARY
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM, EARTH. It was with much sadness that the Editorial staff here learnt of the death of Geoffrey Perkins, renowned broadcaster, TV producer, writer, creator of the popular game Mornington Cresent and an Earth-based Publisher of the Mentioner. Mr. Perkins died in a car accident in London on August 29th, aged 55. He is survived by his wife Lisa and children Charlotte and Arthur. Perkins was responsible for a plethora of television and radio programmes often syndicated across the Western Spiral Arm, such as "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" radio series, "Father Ted", "My Family", "The Fast Show" and "Have I Got News For You". Indirectly, it was Mr. Perkins' insistence to former Editor of the h2g2 Douglas Adams to create the Guide which lead to the creation of this very newspaper. To Mr. Perkins, we say can only say so long, and wish him the very greatest of thanks.

The Galactic Music Charts

2008-05-11T02:21:00.004+01:00

The Galactic Music Charts are compiled by the Galactic Music Chart Company, which collates all musical purchases in the past week. For readers on some of the less developed planets, they may like to know that all music companies, even in primitive worlds, music is galactically syndicated automatically upon launch, to allow for better distribution. Galactic distribution issues can be directed to the Pan-Music Regulation Board, Wellborne, Mirrorian II, Mirrorian system, Galactic Sector RR2 South Prota Beta.

At Number 6: The Wirelandans - Hello, Can You Break The Froster Barrier?
The Wirelandans are popular in the in the South Western galactic sector, who originate from Suaicia VIII. Their mixed of funk death metal, highly successful with the funky, death obsessed peoples of Suaicia, has grown to dominate their area. Their song, "Hello, Can You Break The Froster Barrier?" is about an attempt by the famous Suaician explorer, Hann Weas, to break the fabled Froster Sound Barrier, at which point the speed of sound actually starts to warp backwards. The lyrics consist of much shouting, but also some satirical social comment surrounding the death obsessed nature of the people.

At Number 5: Ukbaise - Kant Kill
Far out on the western sector arm, mid-western spiral, there is a small planet called P9, situated in the Nine system. Ukbaise have taken the planet by storm, with their mellow blend of jazz-inspired pop tunes. Their tune, "Kant Kill" is a critical analysis of the very serious punishments on P9 for killing anyone, although it is often considered a highly enjoyable sport by many of the aristocracy. Ukbaise offers a compromise, in which people who want to be killed can be so by people, free from prosecution.

At Number 4: Let's Get Phil - Phil Phil Phil Phil
The strange Let's Get Phil have an extremely weird style of music, each of their songs solely consisting of the word 'phil' repeated many times with different inflections, with varying musical accompaniment. "Phil Phil Phil Phil" is their most repetitive song, which has been described by the music critic of The Mentioner as"unlistenable to the point of death". It is extremely popular in many parts of the galaxy with low IQ, as a mobile ring tone.

At Number 3: The Way to Wax - Booogaalon
"Boogaalon" is one of those old-fashioned, rock down classics that just won't ever get old. All the way from Jurtr in the Hoth Constellation, The Way to Wax are so hip, they actually have nine each. The tune is catchy, the beat is brilliant, and it is so addictive that in some parts of the galaxy, some people have been passing out from exhaustion after dancing for so long.

At Number 2: Foam - There is One Way to Break my Heart, and That's Murder
Rather morbid, Foam's "There is One Way" is the story of a man who gets murdered by his girlfriend. It is exclusive distributed on Parkles I, a semi-evolved planetary guide. It has gained a certain underground popularity in certain areas of the galaxy. The tune is actually a romantic ballad, but with extremely violent undertones and lyrics.

At Number 1: 3-In-One Multi-Purpose Oil - Lubricates, Cleans & Prevents Rust
The galactic famous, 3-In-One are back, with their new single "Lubricates". Their sponsored songs, as featured on 4-Vid TV in several sectors, have become so popular, that sales of the oil have increased by 9,322% in the past month. The tune, which was formulated by scientists to make it extremely potent, contains many subliminal messages encouraging people to buy their brand of oil, and abandon all other types. Frankly, the song is rubbish, but you do get an unstoppable urge to listen to it again and again.

Me and My Box: An interview with Box Johnson

2008-04-27T16:53:00.003+01:00

Box Johnson, industrial socialite, partical physicist, eccentric, wit, 2nd most crazy person in the South-Western Quadrant (as voted by readers of What Lifeform? Magazine), is going on tour next month to promote his latest book, "The Joys of Boxes". He took some time to speak to our reporter, Endi Ovell, about his work.

Endi Ovell: Thanks very much Mr. Johnson for taking time out from your busy schedule to talk to us.

Box Johnson: My pleasure, and please do call me Box. I am always unnerved when people call me by my surname, seems so officious.

EO: So Box, why are you totally obsessed with boxes? Afterall, a box is just a box, right?

BJ: Wrong, so incredibly wrong. A box is not just a receptacle for putting things in, though it is also that. A box is much more like a way of life. You live in boxes, you eat in boxes, we all do. I have simply taken this to the next level of development, and I now conduct all of my affairs from inside my own, personally designed cardboard box. Boxes offer so many fantastic developments for modern society, and I really feel that a greater focus on the "boxness" issue will be helpful.

EO: I still don't understand. What got you into boxes in the first place?

BJ: Well, in fact, I was born inside a box, on Reutilliga. My mother Wissila was very poor, and my father had been the state executioner until he was executed, so for much of my childhood, I grew up inside a wooden box with my mother. Bless her soul, she had a kind heart, but lacked imagination, and so stuck for what to name her child, she called me after the thing that housed her and kept her safe. When the time came to leave my box I became very distressed, and was sent to the Axelgrinde Mental Hospital for several years in order to recover. But my obsession did not wane. I think the reason that I am so fascinated with boxes is because for me, I have substituted boxes for my father.

EO: Do you have any favourite boxes? Or do you constantly change which boxes you live in?

BJ: A box is like an old friend, it is very difficult to burn it on a bonfire. Even after a box has crumbled and fallen apart, and lost it's sense of boxness, I keep all of my discarded ones in a special Box Cemetery that I have had constructed. I usually keep my boxes for as long as they last.

EO: Do you have any amusing stories about boxes? There must have been some fun times with them.

BJ: I recall that there was a time. I had been living on the Darstant Municipal Dump, collecting a mountain of boxes so that I could become Master of Boxes in that area, when the director of the dump accidentally put his foot into one of my boxes. I was angry at first, but I laughed about it afterwards.

EO: What is your latest book, "The Joys of Boxes" all about?

BJ: I wished to explore the complex nature of boxes, and this book does just that. I explain the concept of what makes a box a box, how you can construct you own, where you can find the best pre-made ones, and how to establish a meaningful relationship with them. In short, I want to convert as many people as possible to this incredible, box-related lifestyle.

EO: Thanks very much for your time Box.

Box Johnson's book, "The Joys of Boxes", can be purchased at any Galactic bookstore this coming week, priced at 49.99 Altairian Dollars. His previous works, "My Box Fixation", "Why A Box Isn't Just A Box", and "I Love Boxes", can be ordered from the Vertigan Publishing Company hotline.

This Week in the Imperial Galactic Government

2008-04-09T16:02:00.004+01:00

Hutlelingday: The Vice-Council for Trans-Species Affairs (chaired by Committee Member for Yttiu III, Rupert Krak, RMDOD (Royal Majority Democratic Ornithological Demographic)) convened a meeting to decide whether the Anamorphids would be classified as a semi-evolved or proto-evolved lifeforms. The Anamorphid delegation, headed by Councillor Rq, argued their case for many hours, but in the end the council decided that the case was so dull is wasn't worth continuing, so popped off for a spot of lunch. The Anamorphids respectfuly accepted the invitation.

Qaestladay: The Imperial Senate joined in session, with the incumbent President of the Imperial Galactic Government, Questular Rontok, chairing proceedings. Decisions relating to the securing of a new Vice-President were put in motion, as was an act banning disgraced Ex-President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox from ever running for political office again. Deputy Comissioner for the Galactic Health Service, Representative Winker Batform (Orbital Sation VI, WERSS (Where Everything Returns Safely Society)), gave an address in which he called the state of the health service "terminally declining".

Bornviday: The Inter-Planetary Cusine Administration, lead by Councillor Bonvivor Wednap (Viltivodle II, NNAA (Ninety-Nine Arms Association)), convined at "The Domain of the King Bar and Grill", on advice obtained from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. The food was deemed sub-standard, but the musical accompaniment was judged by members to be some of the finest in the known universe. The Administration later went on to a very good party happening on Betelgeuse III, where they spent most of the evening, and much of the next day.

(The working week at the Megabrantis Cluster is three days long. The weekend is three days.)

"Bargain!" scream investors, as the Sofnesi economy plunges

2008-03-25T14:12:00.005Z

RETITULAR, SOFNESI, VERBA II. Many investors have been left crippled and penniless today, after an unexpected crash of the Softnesi economy, which has an overriding economic presence within their galactic sector. The crash appears to have been sparked by high-trading within the national Vilitiaum industry, leading to a hike in prices which was then made unsellable due to an ongoing share fixing quota. The Director of Public Stock, Professor Nie Wallisto, has been temporarily suspended in the wake of the crash, which has caused for a total loss of more than 17 trillion Altairian Dollars (local price of 13,154,000 Beni) to be wiped from the market. Many investors have been left completely out of pocket, and it is expected that nearly a third of the nationally employed workforce may be made redundant.

The crash has had a knock-on effect in many other areas of the galaxy. In Peytelia, the Queen suffered a minor heart attack after discovering that her entirely priceless collection of used yogurt pots had been bought and destroyed at the request of the Mid-Galactic Arts-Snobbleling Council. Further, the Eretipc System almost declared a civil war, when the crash provoked the system's authorised spaceline, Eretipc Spacelines Inc., to void any travel coupons to the outlying regions, instead transporting vast shipments of tulips for the Interinternational Tulip Foundation. This of course angered many ordinary citizens, who were being treated as second class to mere flowers.

However, some people have come out rather well from the crash. The Registered Economic Gazetteer reported earnings increases in some 15% of the sector, and wily traders snapped up some choice bargains, before quickly selling on the falling stock. The Prime Minister of Banquoe, Trellala Oorolodo called the actions "despicable and mean" from on board his private, luxury gold-coated yacht, where he was sipping ice-cold vintage champagne imported from the Vine-growing regions of Expensiva.

Ecological meltdown at Faztnesz

2008-03-05T23:03:00.004Z

UNION CIY, FAZTNESZ, BOLO. A special report today, containing all of the most important information, and up to the minute Environmental News, with our special Environ Correspondental, Sandri Knappier. What I really want to know is who left this potato in the way.

The Faztnesz Peninsular, on the western side of the planet Bolo, has suffered a catastrophic ecological meltdown of the largest intensity ever witnessed in living memory. Ciyzens living in the Union Ciy close by say that everyone has turned a terribly deadly shade of light pink varying to brown, something which is highly unnatural for Ciyzens, who are normally deep aquamarine in colour. Several persons have been rushed to the Emergency Department for Operations and Executions (ODOE), at the neighbouring Grand Ciy for further treatement and analysis. The ocean has also turned a horrifically unnatural dark blue colour, instead of the pleasant violet normally enjoyed.

DRSEEEEEEA. (Doctor of Research, Speciality Extra Extra Extra Extra Extra Extra Analysis) Falwid Ewpeo, the Deputy Over-Commander for Inter-Environmental Disaster Affairs and Assistance (IEDAA), has issued a statement saying that the population of the Faztnesz is expected to decline sharply as a result of the disaster, the nature of which he currently holds no information, though his department has began research (Extra to the Power of 6) analysis of the entire situation. However, many people are actually enjoying the results of the ecological breakdown, as it has allowed for the fertility rate to increase by 852% in under two days. Many are now warning of the results of "Unsolicitated Birth Control" (UBC), where simply having a fertile man and women merely stand close to one another can easily result in sexual union and pregnancy. The results of this genetic muckup could be appauling, and result in hideous freaks of nature, similar to those exhibited at the National Museum for Organic Mutants and Animalia (NMOMA).

In an exciting development, the Former Pro Deputy Vice Assistant Under-Captain for Affairs and Relation Status Results (ARSR), Idiuot Haak, was fired from his post by Pro Deputy Vice Assistant Capitan for Affairs and Extra Relation Status Results (AERSR) Prenguin Kra, after it was emerged that Haak played some important role in contaminating the national water supply, polluting the water so that now it appears to be a deadly clear liquid, rather than the beautiful foggy mush. It is not known how Haak managed to break into the Central Water Dispensing Device Operating Shed and Station (CWDDOSS), since the only person with the key is Junior Assistant Keeper of the Water and Power Department Keys and Toiletries (JAKWPDKT), Bi Maaoe.

Man Implodes; Explodes

2008-02-16T18:40:00.003Z

GRANTRE, TULQUA, RETIC SYSTEM. A man has died after imploding inside out and then exploding outwards, disgorging his innards and the rest of his body all over a city block, in the city of Grantre, on the planet Tulqua. The man, named after his death to be Maxweil Poxki, imploded and exploded inside out in myseterious circumstances. It is currently unknown why he died in the way he did, although some suspect suicide and/or murder. Poxki, who worked for a financial management company, imploded at roughly 34:21 local time in the afternoon, before exploding three seconds later. He was at the time walking through the Grantre Memorial Square, and imploded in full view of over fifty people.

His implosion and explosion was captured on national news in front of 2 million people, as the Diplomatic Correspondent for Tulqua State News had been giving a report at the time, when Mr. Poxki happened to walk into shot behind him, just as he imploded. People for 30 feet were covered in the remains of Mr. Poxki, and several suffered minor heart attacks as a result, who were quickly rushed to the State Hospital. So far, the scientific community and medical experts have been left mystified as to how or why Mr. Poxki exploded in the way he did, and cannot fathom any reason why he should do it in public. The police are investigating incidents in several neighbouring planets, which could be connected.

Extract from the Memoirs of Degraff Yalka

2008-02-02T15:03:00.000Z

Degraff Yalka was Deputy-Assistant Comissioner for Trans-Galactic Affairs in the Northwestern Quadrant for 27 years. These extracts are taken from his memoirs, to be published next month.

Day 300.82/9: Dr. Jaui came from Blastegron to discuss the expansion of the Middle Yiq Mining Colony. Hideous man. I hated shaking his hand, as he had seventeen bony fingers, and I'm frightened I broke several. No matter, he had a heart attack halfway through the main course of the meal, and had to go home early. I believe the rock Henma wasn't for his liking. He passed out later.

Day 83;9..1/2: Pual Eeer didn't visit today. I hate him. He promised he would attend the seminar on Intersellar travel, but he had a conorary bypass last night, and said he couldn't come. I sent him my best wishes, accompanied by a bunch of dead flowers.

Day 9024:p: Yan was ill yesterday. Apparently he accidentally ate half a Buffaloon, which had gone off. I wasn't able to get any work done, because Yan does all the filing. I had to use that idiot Winterford instead, who hadn't the faintest idea. I had him executed for treachery later when Yan got back, and then I fired Yan as well, because I was so annoyed.

Day Tz92:0/2: Box Johnson and Ladyhen visited. I adore Ladyhen, though Box is a fool. He insists that Ladyhen and he live in a small box all the time, even when they have a giant castle in Hollistaville. Ladyhen is incredibly beautiful, and I believe that she has a soft spot for me. Box gave me my own box, which I promptly burned.

Day ...32S/R: The Jafiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii System went through a crisis yesterday. It seems that actually there was two more "i's" in the name of the system, which lead to the overthrown of the monarchy, the dissolution of government, and the entire systematic massacre of the ruling classes. I tried to mediate, but my messenger, Tyrik, came back without an arm or a leg, and considering he only had one to start with, that wasn't great for him.

Day Pet937:1: Josao Irripa has ruined the ceremonial opening of the Grandlaxian State Theatre. He did have to go and get assassinated at that precise moment didn't he? I'm sure he had orchestrated it all himself. It's just a cry for help. And how he's getting all the praise because he's dead, and no one is thinking about the Yopeach harvests. If he wasn't dead, I'd kill him.

Editorial: A Message from Vice-Editor Jaglilli

2008-01-20T00:48:00.001Z

Dear readers,

For those of you who often read the musing of this fine galactic newspaper, it will come as no surprise to learn that our current Editor-In-Chief, Huraf Kkas, has recently passed away. His daily column on page 19, which yesterday only contained the words "Help... me... I'm... having... heart... attack!" was a clear message that his time had come. However, since Kkas's column automatically passed editorial inspection, it was only in the evening yesterday that his wife phoned the Head Office to say that our beloved editor had been found slumped over the fax machine, where he had been desperately trying to send a message to the St. Uttryi Hospital that he was experiencing some problems breathing.

Kkas was only Editor-In-Chief for a very short time, in fact only seven hours, since our long standing editor Uuuulu Llluu resigned in disgrace over the difficulty of spelling his name the day before yesterday. And though his time was brief, he will always be remembered as one of the Mentioner's most successful and popular directors. In fact, the Galactic Newspaper's Association has already given Kkas a lifetime achievement award for success in Journalism, a great and deserved reward for his tireless seven hours he spend editing the Mentioner. I hope you will all send Mrs. Kkas your most profound sympathies, and celebrate the great life of this amazing gentleman. The editor's funeral will take place at the Church of the Forgotten Lifeform on Ewnqo Ud Minor next Wednesday. Floral tributes will be appreciated.

Yours, most faithfully,

Vice-Editor Herman Jaglilli.

Can anything help the Sidonian System?

2008-01-05T21:02:00.001Z

SIDON, SIDONIA III. Impending doom is greeting the residents of the Sidonian System this week, as the Sidon Star, at approximately 6.9 billion years old, has reached critical mass, and is likely to collapse into a black hole within the next month. Scientists from the Maximegalon Univeristy Department of Astrophysics claim that the star, which has suffered from Hydrogen Mining for several hundred years, will collapse sometime "within the next forseeable period of geocentricity". Citizens living on the two habitable planets in the star system, Sidonia III and Sidonia VI, will be completely molecularized when the star eventually collapses.

The Governor of Sidonia III, Allexi Ghyesterso, said that he was "extremely disappointed" that his planet was about to be destroyed, and applied for help to the Galactic Central Council to try to avert disaster. Representatives at the Council have told the Mentioner that it is extremely unlikely anything can be done to help the system, as the Nuclearecellarator designed to prevent stars collapsing is yet to complete its primary safety testing, after a test researcher accidently blew up the Nuira Star last year. Mass evacuations of the planets in the Sidonian system are being scheduled to start next week, though it is unlikely more than two thirds of the population will be evacuated before the star implodes.

NEXT WEEK: Buying a Star System: Why Sidonian might be the ideal place.

The Fourth Worst Poetry in the Galaxy

2007-10-10T23:10:00.011+01:00

This poem is one of a collection by Aelaxandir Kertsingburg, famed as the Fourth Worst Poet in the Galaxy, ranking only just behind Vogons, the Asgoths of Kria, and Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge in ascending order. Health Warning: readers may suffer bouts of uncontrollable seizures and vomiting upon reading. Your discretion is advised.

Utter Nonsense
The contents and context of
This poem is utter and complete
Nonsensical circum-speculation,
So consider yourself warned about
This debilitating dietary condition.

If you wish for dictation of the conversation,
You can find a translation at the station on
Abbots Road, Southend, just around
The bend from the Post Office Tower.
Although it won’t be very useful,
Since the station and Post Office
Were demolished in 1847 during the
Construction of the Hotel Liven.

Then the aliens arrived and whisked,
And beat and finally made a fairy cake,
Which they presented to Her Majesty,
With compliments, before departing.

But back in Shaftesbury Avenue, the
Milkman is picking up a book entitled;
“The Analysis of Modern Biology”, from
A puddle in the middle of the road,
And staring at his face plastered on
The back, for although he does not know,
A chocolate biscuit is inside the cover.

Then the ticketing station broke down,
And Ben Newman was forced to mend
It for the ninth time in four weeks, but he
Discovered what had been causing the
Problem was not his engineering, but
A paper cup with the Atlantic Ocean inside.

And then the Berkshire police arrived, and
The University was forced to admit that
It had pretended that there was a Professor
By the name of Binderly in Astro-Metrics,
Who had been feeding his wife cat litter
For six months, due to an ill-timed
Holiday to Monte Carlo, where Cristo lived.

But this was not without error,
Because at the precise moment Dr.
Parkinson had been telling Mr. Parkinson
That he had Parkinson’s Disease, the
Window fell open, and Susan walked by
And said; “Now, what shall we eat for dinner?"

And it might have been splendid, but
Had it not been for the complete lack
Of knowledge relating to 9th Century Byzantine
Architecture, Muriel had no topic of conversation
At the symposium, so started painting the
Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with nail varnish.

Yet the problem was not a total waste,
But the cooling ducts in Fenchurch Street
Station had frozen solid, as Mr. Faulk had tried
To tell the man from the gas board, he hadn’t
Had them serviced in over thirty-five years,
Because his wife’s spirit had forbidden him
From ever mentioning inverse proportions again.

Because in the end,
It just doesn’t matter!
Helpline: 237 0641.

The Mid-Galactic Census Report: 2,663rd Edition

2007-09-27T22:21:00.000+01:00

The 2,663rd edition of the Mid-Galactic Census has been released, and as always, there are some interesting tidbits of information which many might not have realised. Here, we present the weirdest and most interesting facts that have been discovered from this version of the census. The Northern and Eastern Galactic Census's will be out in several months, as published by the Galactic Ministry of Information.

:- The average number of legs of citizens is 2.4 (although citizens living in the Outer-Mid sections of the survey tend to have an average of 3.7).

:- Every person in the survey area owns a Hyena (even those living on planets where the atmospheric conditions do not allow for Hyena growth; Hyenas are imported and stored in pressurised containers under these circumstances).

:- The most common race in the area is the Polutentians, from Poluten V. They have a total population of 7.9 Quad Trillion Million, and only 1/273rd of the population actually live on Poluten V. Most others have left the planet and live in the neighbouring star system of Alstrai.

:- The average salary of citizens in the area is $19,500 Altairian Dollars. The Altair system has decided that it will devalue the Dollar in two years, to try and give more value to the Triganic Pu, as the Trigan System has long complained about the availability of the Pu and Ningi in some of the more cramped regions.

:- 234,700 citizens in the area believe that the Megabrantis Cluster is only 4 light years from the center of the galaxy (Galactic Central Point). This is incorrect. The Megabrantis Cluster is in fact 4.5 light years from the center. The rest of the population do not care.

:- 9 citizens in the area are called Marko Markov Mar. All of them live on the planet Hestria, and are actually the same person, with 9 different personalities.

:- The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Construction and Redesign Department in Jaluen City, Hastromil, is now so large it actually owns the entirity of Jaluen City. Only one form was returned for the entire city with a population of 245,000.

:- The Cow Eye Nebula has grown by 67% in the past nine years. Soon, researchers at the National Laboratory for Nebuli Naming (NLNN) on Volum III may change the name to "The Large Cow Eye Nebula".

:- The 2,663rd edition of the Mid-Galactic Census is one of the top-ten most useless reports, along with the 874th, the 921st and the 1,347th.

:- 99.9999993% of the census forms returned to the Interfam system by Pandynamic Post were torn at least once.

:- The Blax star is actually bright red, but all Blaxians are colour blind from birth, and claim that it is deep aquamarine.

Extract from "A Rough History of Hacking"

2007-09-17T21:56:00.002+01:00

This extract is from the book "A Rough History of Hacking", by the famous Earthologist and renowned Historian, Professor Siimon Jutts, KRMD, member of the Interplanetary Council for Primitive Society Research. Here, Professor Jutts explains the supposedly famous story of how hacking developed on the small and primitive Western Spiral Arm planet, Earth.

In the mid 1980’s, an ordinary West German by the name of Markus Hess did something completely extraordinary. He was able to break into the most secure building in the United States, the Department of Defense Headquarters at the Pentagon, and he did it all without ever leaving his flat in Hanover. This is the story of (almost) precisely how he did it, with some other interesting cases thrown in for good measure. I hope you find it both intellectually stimulating and interesting.

The stereotypical image of a “hacker” is of some lonely and isolated guy, highly intelligent and normally geekish in nature, sitting in a small darkened room, quickly and conspiratorially tapping away as he breaks into the National Bank of Zurich and extracts a comfortable sum in easily exchangeable amounts. In fact, the truth is that most of the famous hackers were completely ordinary members of society, who lead completely average lives before taking up their illegal exploits.

The first hacker is often said to be John Draper (often nicknamed ‘Captain Crunch’, see picture), who in the late 1960’s discovered with his friend Joe Engressia (renamed “Joybubbles”) that a toy whistle included in a packet of “Cap’n Crunch” breakfast cereal could be easily modified to have a tone of precisely 2600 hertz. Whilst this would seem inconsequential to the casual observer, Draper knew that this tone was the same as the AT&T long distance reset signal, which indicated that a truck line was open and ready to place a new call. Routing the tone down the line during dial would disconnect the other end of the call, allowing the still connected end to effectively become the operator, thus letting allowing the placement of calls for free. Though the process was part of the “phreaking” phenomenon (manipulation of telecommunication devices), it is still one of the first recorded cases of hacking.

The most famous phreakers however, are still Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs, the founders of the Apple Computer Inc. Before starting their computer company, they enjoyed free prank calling a using so-called “blue box” machine which could simulate the 2600 hertz tone. One famous incident included Wozniak dialing Vatican City, claiming to the US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger (even putting on a German accent), calling on the behalf of President Nixon, and asking to speak to the Pope at once. However, he was asked to call back, as the Pope was sleeping. When he did call back, an angry Bishop told him that he had spoken to the genuine Kissinger in Moscow during the intervening time.

It is “The 414s” who really established what it was to be a hacker. They were a group of six ordinary teenage boys from Milwaukee, who had taken their name from the area code of the district where they lived. They met as part of their Exploring Boy Scouts group, became friends, and then competed with each other to break into high-profile computer networks. Between 1982-3 (coincidentally the same time the film ‘WarGames’ was released), they broke into over sixty systems, including the Security Pacific Bank, the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. The FBI quickly caught up with the group, and although the only charges brought against them were “making harassing phone calls”, the event raised many alarm bells amongst security experts. The group perfectly matched the profile of hackers, the FBI describing them as; “young, male, intelligent, highly motivated and energetic." When 17-year-old Neal Patrick was asked why he did it, the answer was simple; “just to see if I could do it.” Although they did little real damage, the Sloan-Kettering Center had to spend $1,500 reconstituting deleted files, which the 414s had got rid of to cover their tracks. In fact, there was substantial public interest into the group, to the extent that several were featured on the cover of Newsweek magazine.

The 414s were useful in showing computer experts that others with more malicious intent could theoretically duplicate their techniques and do genuine damage to computer infrastructures. However, it was still seen mainly as a prank, and not something dangerous. It was also at this time that the House of Representatives first began hearings on security hacking, although they were treated with minimal interest. In 1984, one of the first cases of hacking in the United Kingdom emerged. Robert Schifreen was tried after being found hacking into the British Telecom (BT) central computer, making him able to read the personal mail of His Royal Highness Prince Philip. Naturally, the prince was rather miffed at this news.

And so enter Markus Hess. Hess, a renowned hacker, had been hired secretly by the KGB to be an international spy, and pass secrets to the Soviet Union by hacking into the US Military Network (MILNET) part of the Advanced Research Projects Agency Network (ARPANET, what would one day become what we know today as the Internet). Throughout the course of his hacking, he only ever used his home computer and an ordinary modem. First, Hess began by gaining some passwords to the network at his local Hanover University. Posing as a student, he was able to log on to the European Academic Research Network, which connected computers across European universities. From here, he broke into a computer at the University of Bremen, where he was able to access the national German DATEX-P Network. Using a satellite relay, Hess used the DATEX-P to bounce his signal around the world, and connected to the Tymnet International Gateway in San Jose, California.

The Tymnet, a system purposefully designed to route the user to any other computer system on the service, put Hess in communication with the Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena (a testing facility for NASA), and through it the Tymnet Switching Service, which allowed Hess to redirect his signal to yet another computer. This time it was to the Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory in Berkeley. As it is today, the Laboratory was involved in a number of classified research projects for the Department of Defense, and as such connected to ARPANET, so the Department could be updated on developments. It was therefore easy for Hess to “piggyback” his way into ARPANET through Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory. Pretending to be a “Colonel Albrens” with a codename of “Hunter”, Hess accessed the secure MILNET, and finally made his way to the OPTIMIS Database at the Pentagon. Over two years, from 1986-8, Hess accessed, read and copied many Top Secret files concerning everything from spy satellites to nuclear warfare, attacked over four hundred military computers, and hacked into dozens of secure facilities, including amongst others SRI International (the research institute), the US Coastal Systems Computer, Air Force Systems Command and Army Darcom.

During these two years, the Department of Defense had absolutely no idea that anyone had got into their systems without permission. The person who actually discovered Hess’ activities was not even a formally trained computer expert, and in the end found Hess because of a simple accounting error. Clifford Stoll (see picture) was an astronomer, who had recently become the systems administrator at the Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory. At the laboratory, users had to pay for the time they spent accessing ARPANET, and also had to get privileges to do so. Naturally, Hess had no such privileges, and did not pay for the time he spent online, but had hacked to become a “root” or superuser, allowing unlimited use. So, when Stoll was calculating the laboratory usage accounts he discovered that there was a seventy-five cent (or thirty-eight pence) shortfall. Most people would have ignored such an insignificant amount, but Stoll was determined to find out why his sums did not add up correctly.

He quickly ascertained that the reason there was an accounting shortfall was because more time had been used on the network than had actually been paid for, and since all members of the laboratory staff were correctly accounted, the only option left was that someone else had hacked in and was using time illegally. With the help of the local telephone company, Stoll found out that the unauthorized incoming signal had originated from the Tymnet Switching Service at Oakland, California, proving that the hacker was not working locally. After contacting Tymnet officials, he was able to trace the signal back further to the MITRE Corporation Headquarters (a defence contractor) in McLean, Virginia. Using a teletype printer connected to the intrusion at MITRE, Stoll could watch as Hess accessed the classified documents, and took notes on his activities. This has been identified as the first documented case of “cracking” a system.

Stoll saw that the hacker normally accessed the ARPANET in the middle of the day Pacific Time, and since most programmers tended to work at night, surmised that the hacker was in a time zone in Europe. Stoll also was amazed at how many high-security sites the hacker could easily guess the passwords. It seemed that many administrators had never bothered to change passwords from factory defaults. Even at many Army bases the hacker was occasionally able to login as “guest” using no password at all. During his investigation, Stoll contacted the FBI, CIA and NSA, although all three were reluctant to share information with each other, or even gain jurisdiction to investigate the issue. Stoll remembers a NSA agent as saying “we listen, we don’t talk”.

Eventually, Stoll was able to work out that the signal was coming from West Germany through the DATEX-P satellite. The Deutsche Bundespost (the German Post Office) who at that time had authority over the telephone system, had traced the signal to Bremen, but knew it was rerouting from somewhere else. So that the Bundespost could back-trace the signal for long enough to ascertain the source, Stoll devised a cunning plan. He knew that the hacker was very interested in the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI), so created an account (the SDINET) which appeared to contain very important information about the initiative. As luck would have it, Hess accessed the account almost at once, and so the Bundespost traced him finally back to his flat in Hanover, where he was arrested. There was also supplementary evidence when a Hungarian spy contacted the fake SDINET, something he couldn’t have done without information from Hess. It later turned out that this was the way the KGB double checked that Hess was giving them genuine information rather than just making it up.

Hess was put on trial in 1990 in Germany and Stoll testified against him. Hess was found guilty of espionage and was sentenced to three years in prison. Clifford Stoll’s work into catching Hess was frankly incredible. He had made full records of Hess’ activities, whilst his logbook evidence was unquestionably detailed. After Hess broke into the MILNET, the Department of Defense became a lot more stringent about tightening security around their computer systems. Computer crime was now something that was taken very seriously.

Part Two will continue the story into the 1990’s and 2000’s…

The Universe: Some information to help you live in it

2007-09-05T23:52:00.001+01:00

1. Area: Infinite
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word "infinite".

Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever, and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big" time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here. (The SDM "Guide to Infinity" may be purchased as a colour supplement).

2. Imports: None
It is impossible to import things into an infinite area, there being no 'outside' to import things in from.

3. Exports: None
See '2. Imports'. (See SDM article; "Universal Exports reach all-time low").

4. Rainfall: None
Rain cannot fall because in an infinite area there can be no "up" for it to fall "down" from.

5. Population: None
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if the average population of a planet is zero, then the total population of all the planets in the Universe must also be zero, and any people you might actually meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

6. Monetary Units: None
In fact, there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them count at a universal level. The Altairian Dollar has recently collapsed (See SDM article; "Crisis in the Altair Stock Market!"), the Flainian Pobble Bead is only exchangeable for other Flainian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu has its own very special problems (See SDM article; "Failure of the Trigan Monetary System"). Its exchange rate of six Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin, six thousand, eight hundred miles along each side, no one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ningis are not negotiable currency, because the Galactic Banks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise, it is very simple to prove that the Galactic Banks are also the product of a deranged imagination.

7. Art: None
The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough to do it. See 1. Area. (The SDM book "Art for Art's Sake" is now available for purchase).

8. Sex: None
Actually, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art, or anything else that might keep all the nonexistent people of the Universe occupied. However, it isn't worth going into a discussion about it now, as it is terribly complicated. For further information, consult "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

This Month's Bestselling Galactic Books

2007-08-28T13:12:00.000+01:00

Bestselling Chart:
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Megadodo Publications: Still in the top-spot after 35 years, the h2g2 has remained unbeaten in galactic sales, for it's accessability, reliability, and for two important reasons over the Encyclopaedia Galactica. First, it is slightly cheaper, and second, it has the words "Don't Panic!" enscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.

2. The Encyclopaedia Galactica by Encyclopaedia Galactica Limited: Second only to the h2g2, this weighty work is far more highbrow than it's rival, and also quite a bit more detailed in certain perspectives. However, the referencing system is clunky, and it is quite heavy to carry around with you. It does look fabulous on coffee tables though.

3. The Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations by Dr. Dan Streetmentioner: The ideal companion for a traveller, Streetmentioner explains all possible modes of grammar related to time travel. Most readers only get as far as the "Future Semi-Conditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional" before giving up. In fact, many later editions leave all pages beyond this point blank to save on printing costs.

4. The Siderial Daily Mentioner's Book of Popular Galactic History by The Siderial Daily Mentioner: The Mentioner gives a nicely accurate rundown of galactic history, from First Concepts, through the Krikkit Wars and finally to the Era of Pleasant Insability, and much of the future beyond. However, it is worth noting that much of the information contained in the book is also to be found in the h2g2 and the EG.

5. Fifty-Four More Things to do in Zero-Gravity by Hurlforth Publishing: A compendium of bizzare and unusual activities to partake of in zero-gravity environments. It should be explained that several of the activities listed should not be undertaken without the supervision of experienced astronauts, or the cover of full life assessment insurance, just in case.

6. Shoe Event Horison by the Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation (Hig Hurtenflurst): If you were ever interested in shoes, in any way, then this is the book for you. The Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation offer a neat history of footwear, and also incorporate their theories of corporate takeover, by instigating as they put it "A total economic meltdown through shoes". Can become a bit tedious at times.

7. Psychotherapy for Psychotics by Gag Halfrunt: Perfect for the recovering megalomaniac, Mr. Halfrunt gives some useful tips for making yourself sane, and also makes it fun along the way. However, the constant references to ex-President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox, each time just to mention "Vell look, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?" do get rather repetitive after a couple of pages, and actually might drive you mad in the first place.

8. Sun, Sand and Suffering in the Most Totally Evil Place in the Galaxy by the Frogstar System Travel Bureau: A travel book devoted to the evil paradise that is Frogstar B. It is not recommended that anyone actually travel to Frogstar B, as the consequences can include death, and being put into the Total Perspective Vortex. This book will make the most mean quake at the knees in abject terror.

9. The Megabrantis Cluster: A Guide to Vogon Bureaucracy by the Galactic Civil Service: Three words: don't read it.

Worst Selling Book This Month:
The Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary of Every Language Ever by the University of Maximegalon: Still, after being out for 19 years, no one has ever bought a single copy of the dictionary, although the original has been highly consulted. Very soon, the University is planning to release a condensed version, which they assure buyers will only require three trucks to transport around.